Banging my head against the steering wheel of life

How to Obtain a Driver's License in Your New(ish) State of Residence, after Moving from Virginia and Misplacing Your Virginia Driver's License, and When You Need a Photo ID No Later than Next Monday Because You Will Then Be Boarding an Airplane to Fly to Visit Family for Thanksgiving:

1. Call your New State's Bureau of Motor Vehicles. Inform them of your situation (i.e., that you need to get a driver's license from New State and have lost your license from Virginia); they will politely tell you that you must have a letter faxed from Virginia to New State certifying that yes, you are a licensed driver. You will need to pass a "driving rules and regulations" written test and present two forms of ID (birth certificate and social security card) at the New State BMV, along with your letter from Virginia, to be issued a license from New State.

2. Call the central Department of Motor Vehicles office in Virginia, and wait on hold for half an hour. When a customer service representative takes your call, explain that you need them to fax proof of your driver's license to the New State BMV.

3. Be completely taken aback when the representative informs you that, in fact, your Virginia driver's license has been suspended since March, when they received notice from your insurance company that your coverage had been discontinued. The representative will further inform you that, before they can fax a letter to New State, you must have your insurance company send them proof of your current insurance, and you must pay $85 to reinstate your license. Oh, and faxing that form will cost another $8.

4. Call your insurance company and explain that you need them to send the SR-22 requirement (whatever that is) to Virginia. The representative who takes your call will be very helpful, and she'll cheerfully inform you that this will only take 48 to 72 hours, and then you'll be able to un-suspend your Virginia license.

5. Panic. Explain that you cannot wait 48 to 72 hours, that you need to get your new license made now, this week. With the help of a still-cheerful but eye-rolling supervisor (you can hear that he's rolling his eyes at you, even though you can't see him), your insurance representative will manually submit the insurance information to Virginia right away. Phew.

6. Call Virginia DMV again. You may wish to consider balancing your checkbook, or reading a good book (may I suggest Infinite Jest?), or cooking a seven-course gourmet meal, while you wait on hold.  When you are finally put through to a representative, re-explain your situation (lost your license, moved to New State, license is suspended, etc.) and wait while he looks up your license information (expect to be put back on hold at this point). Finally, he will return to your call, inform you that yes, your insurance information has cleared through the system (phew!), and you can pay him your $85. After you do this, tell him that you still need them to send that form to the New State BMV, so you can go get your driver's license. Pay the $8 for this service; hopefully you haven't put your credit card away, because the rep will need your payment information all over again.

7. Go to the BMV in your New State and retrieve the faxed letter from Virginia. Walk to the License Exam Center, three doors down from the BMV, and triumphantly present your letter, social security card, and birth certificate. Tell the examiner that you need to take the written test to get your license.

8. The examiner will examine your documents (this is his job), including your letter from the Virginia DMV, and inform you that according to the letter, your driver's license expired in August. This means that you can't take the written test or get your New State driver's license until you walk back to the BMV and purchase a Temporary Driver's Permit, after which you'll have to take the written test and a driving test before you are eligible for a New State driver's license.

9. Back out on the sidewalk, reflect that this extra step could've been averted if only the representatives from the Virginia DMV had told you that your license had expired; instead, they had happily collected your $8 and faxed over a form that is completely useless to you now. Further reflect that this is completely indicative of every dealing you've ever had with the Virginia DMV (remember the time they suspended your license because you had unwittingly let your insurance lapse for six months, then charged you $100 to reinstate your license, and then re-suspended the license without telling you and charging you a $500 "uninsured vehicle" fee, which you didn't even find out about until several months later when you were pulled over for speeding and the officer nearly had you arrested because you were driving while your license was suspended?) - that the DMV officials must apparently swear a Complete Secrecy Oath to be allowed to work there, that they have a complete and painful aversion to giving customers any useful information whatsoever. It's a bit like playing Calvinball with the Mafia, you reflect; not only are they making up the rules as they go along, but you know it's only a matter of time before you or someone you love ends up facedown in the Hudson.

10. Go ahead and have a good cry at this point. You'll feel better.

11. After you've collected yourself, return to the BMV. Explain to the sympathetic young man behind the counter everything that has transpired to date, with possibly a bit more detail than he needs, but you're having an emotional day; and he will give you a stack of forms to fill out so you can get your Temps. After you've finished filling out your forms and presented him with your social security card and birth certificate, he will begin entering your information into the computer so that they can issue you your temps.

12. But wait! Since you don't have a photo i.d. to present, your primary form of identification is your birth certificate, which is issued in your maiden name, not your married name. The young man says that it's not a problem for your temps to be in your maiden name; you can have it changed when you return for your real license, if you just bring your marriage license with you at that time. This sounds simple enough... until you remember: You have to use this i.d. to board an airplane next week, and the tickets are in your married name; no way will the Airport Security Goons let you through with an i.d. in your maiden name. So you'll have to have your temps issued in your married name, which means you'll have to present your marriage license as well.

13. Frantically phone your husband at work, who knows where your marriage license is and is willing to return home to find it and bring it to you at the BMV office. (He's awfully sweet, isn't he?)

14. While you're waiting for him to return with your marriage license, use this time wisely: phone up the Virginia DMV and give them a piece of your mind. Use the time you have to wait on hold to plan your angry speech; once your call is picked up, you'll have plenty of time to refine this speech, as you'll be passed back and forth between a rather large number of customer service reps. Finally you'll be put back on hold and transferred to a supervisor. Explain that you're quite pissed at not being informed that your license had expired when you had asked for the letter to be sent to your New State, and demand your $8 back (it's the principle of the thing); shout, if necessary. Eventually, they will run out of representatives and supervisors to transfer you to, and they will cave in and agree to send you a check for $8. This will make you feel marginally better.

15. Your husband will finally appear with a copy of your marriage license. He will also overhear the last few minutes of your conversation with the Virginia DMV, and he will develop a new respect for (or fear of) you.

16. Return, somewhat triumphantly, to the New State BMV office with your social security card, birth certificate, and marriage license. When the woman behind the counter begins to protest that she cannot accept a copy of your marriage license, give her a look that says, I have played Calvinball with the Mafia. She will back down and issue you your temps, mug-shot-esque photograph at all.

17. Celebrate this victory, even as you pay $22 for your new temps (plus a $2.50 ATM fee, as you stupidly forgot your checkbook and the BMV doesn't accept credit cards), and even as you know you still have to pass the written and driving tests before you can get a real driver's license. Drive home very carefully, as getting pulled over and having the officer discover that you're driving without a license is the last thing you need on a day like today.