8 posts tagged “conversations”

In which I am struck by lightning

Feb 21, 2009
1 comment

"So today I was in Target and I saw: A NUN RIDING A SCOOTER."

"Really. How was that working for her?"

"She was just tootling along, nunnily. I walked around the corner and saw her and started laughing and then Aaron kicked me."

"What kind of scooter was it? Like a wheelchair scooter? Or a Vespa?"

"Like one of those motorized shopping cart scooters you can get in the front of the store."

"Was she wearing a habit?"

"Yes! She was in full nun! And I kept walking around corners and seeing her and laughing! It was all just so startlingly absurd!"

"You may or may not go to hell for laughing at her, you know."

"I feel like she was placed in Target today specifically to test me. And I lost."

"God was like, 'That's 10 more hell points for Abi. Not looking good, huh, Jesus?'"

Conversation with my sister

Jan 21, 2009
1 comment

me: sooo i've been feeling really crappy all day

me: and i can't stop thinking, if i am even pregnant again i am gonna be SO PISSED

her: hhahahaha, oh my god, that'd be crazy. but i would still love you and your new little baby

me: yes, and if by some insane chance i were actually pregnant i would love another baby just as much as my other kids, but seriously, THIS JOKE ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE, GOD

her: hahaha, God loves your uterus!

her: do you have any tests?

me: i don't!

me: i usually do, but i'm all out

her: bummer!!

her: they're expensive!!

me: just think how great i'll look in line at cvs, just me, a pregnancy test, and three kids

her: ahahha,

me: and a giant box of condoms

her: hahah, and a vasectomy!

me: yes

her: too bad you cant just pick those up!

me: one of those do-it-yourself home vasectomy kits

her: haha, that sounds DANGEROUS!

me: buy one, get a free bag of frozen peas

her: and a bottle of booze for aaron

me: yes

her: so do you really think you could be?

me: i would be very, very, very surprised

me: if aaron's magical sperm could somehow get through a condom, my birth control pill, AND breastfeeding hormones

me: which supposedly suppress ovulation

me: but my fertility defies all logic

her: holy f balls, that'd be ridiculous!!

her: i really think that would be impossible! but impossible=david haha

me: yes

me: on the plus side, i'll always be able to say to my children, no, seriously, don't have sex until you're married

me: you might think it's safe, but IT'S NEVER SAFE

her: hahaha

her: this is TRUE!

me: because if heredity holds true, their sperm will be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound

her: SUPER SPERM duh duh daaaa!

Seriously, internet: does every married or, you know, sexually active woman get that panicky feeling every time she feels a little queasy? Or am I just really, really paranoid? (And c'mon, can you blame me?)

We did tell him he could dress up as whatever he wants.

Nov 6, 2008
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"I know what I want to be for Halloween next year."

"You do? What's that?"

"A princess."

"A...princess?"

"Yep. I'll need a beautiful gown. And a crown."

"But princesses are girls. And you're a boy. How's that gonna work?"

"Dad. I'll only be pretending to be a girl."

Donner, party of six*

Oct 31, 2008
2 comments

"One of my neighbors posted a quiz that calculates how many cannibals you could feed."

"Are you inviting cannibals to brunch? Whom were you planning to serve?"

"No, I mean - if cannibals were eating you. It's a calculator that tells you how many cannibals could, you know, eat. Your body."

"That's awful."

"But then I was wondering - what about zombies?"

"What...about zombies?"

"Do you suppose my lifeless remains would feed more zombies, or more cannibals?"

"Your lifeless remains. Are we actually having this conversation?"

"Would I feed more zombies, because they don't eat as much, being undead? Or would I feed more cannibals, since they'd be interested in more than just my, you know, braaaaains?"

"I'm not sure it's important. It seems unlikely to me that you'll encounter either cannibals or zombies around here."

"You say that now, but when the zombie uprising comes - and it will come - you'll be glad for that information."

"Maybe we'll be raptured before then."

"Dude, zombies! The dead in Christ rising first! Maybe that will be the rapture."

*Puns in bad taste** to continue all month! Happy NaBloPoMo, tomorrow!

**Har!

Meat.

Jul 25, 2008
1 comment

"Okay, it says to shape it into a loaf about nine inches by four to five inches."

"Nine inches, huh? I've got something I can measure that with, heh heh."

"I think you're thinking of the four to five inches."

"Oh, how quickly you forget."

For God's sake DON'T LOOK IN THE CLOSET

Feb 25, 2008
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I spent the weekend at a scrapbooking retreat (yes, dorky, I know, but I had fun) in middle-of-nowhere Amish country, sharing a room at a cozy Amish inn with three other women. Saturday morning we were awakened at the crack of 8:30 by a piercing shriek:

"WHAT WAS THAT??"

"Unh?"

"Was that the smoke alarm?"

SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

"Owowow, that's gotta be the smoke alarm. Are we on fire?"

"I'll call the front desk to see what's going on."

...

"Guys, the phone is dead."

"The phone? Is dead?"

"There's no dial tone or anything."

"Did you check to make sure it's plugged in?"

"Everything's connected, but it's totally dead."

"Oh no, I think I've seen this movie...four innocent coeds, ushered out of their hotel room in the dead of the night--"

"The dead of night? Abi, it's like 8:30."

"--the dead of night, in the middle of nowhere with no way to call for help -- it's... the Amish buggy killer."

Where's the beef?

Aug 16, 2007
3 comments

"I've gotta run, sweetie. That ground beef is on the stove - will you just drain it and put it in the fridge?"

"That depends. Will you drain MY beef?"

"Okay, that sounds gross. No, I will not drain your beef."

"Maybe I can use my beef to... stuff your taco!"

"Aaron! I have to go!"

"Or maybe I could flip your burger! Or bake your meat loaf!"

"Okay, I'm late, I'm leaving, goodbye!"

"Or season your chili..."

Faking it

Jul 5, 2007
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"Why does this bacon look weird?"

"It's not bacon. It's facon."

"It's...facon."

"Yep - precooked, bacon-shaped extra-lean turkey. Try some!"

"It's really tough."

"There's only half a gram of fat per slice - regular bacon has three! Isn't that amazing?"

"I mean it's really tough. I can barely chew it."

"You can eat three entire slices for only one Point! Regular bacon is three Points per slice."

"Three slices?? I'm still chewing my first bite! This stuff is like cardboard jerky!"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure if you make it through all three slices you don't even have to count the Points - you burn off all sixty calories trying to eat it."